 Connie wrote me a letter. She’s a cat, so this is a metaphor. She sent me a message through her squinty little eyes: You idiot, said Connie’s Eyes. You promised them these Bitter Bites weekly. What’s a week in wolf years? Four weeks? Two months? Connie’s Eyes are always this combative and degrading, yes. But perhaps I deserve it! Whatever the case may be, I’m sorry for the delay, and here’s my most recent assembly of horror goodies: I watched two movies with Sean Harris recently, A Lonely Place To Die (2011) and Possum (2018). One’s about a climbing trip gone wrong, and the other’s about a climbing, trippy spider puppet with a doll’s head named Possum. The puppet is creepy as shit. I’m not going to spoil it here but take a wolf’s word for it. As a result of Possum's oppressive nature and general creepiness, Sean Harris makes this face a lot:  Source: POSSUM Official Trailer (2018) Frankly, I’d rather die in a lonely place than succumb to this Possum, but Sean Harris can still be scarier than either of those options! Down (2001), Dick Maas’ remake of his own 1988 movie The Lift featuring several authentic New York accents and Naomi Watts, James Marshall, Ron Perlman, Michael Ironside, and Edward Hermann. Elevators start acting up in a building with 100+ floors, and I mean really acting up. These elevators are possessed!  Source: Down (2001) Trailer Down features some of the most delightfully outrageous death sequences, and nobody is safe! Not old people, blind people, children, dogs (okay, sorry about this last one, everybody). An elevator drags one poor gentleman all the way up to the 100+th floor and spitoons him out right over the edge. The mounting absurdity overflows in abundance, making this a very fun movie to watch. As Ron Perlman says, “We live in a vertical world! If you can’t trust an elevator, what the fuck CAN you trust?” I agree, Ron Perlman.
Now let's talk Bruno Mattei's The Tomb (2006). An archaeology team goes to Mexico to study ancient Mayan culture and hunt for buried treasure! It's silly but has some entertaining action and horror sequences. I love Bruno Mattei, and I love Cruel Jaws, the only shark movie I’m aware of that pays homage to Star Wars by blatantly stealing its theme song! The Tomb takes a similar approach, embracing the idea that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery by merging narrative and visual elements of The Mummy (1999) and From Dusk Till Dawn (1996). Do those seem like very specific references? Well, this movie features a rip-off of the entire Salma Hayek dance scene from FDTD, so you tell me! For this reason alone, I'd say the movie is worth watching.  Source: Children of Sin (2022) - Official Trailer With Children of Sin (2022), director Christopher Wesley Moore delivers a twisted tale of religious trauma! Nothing brings out the bitterness of one particular wolf more than digging into the roots of extreme fundamentalism, and this one packs a punch. A pair of siblings gets sent to a retreat to be cleansed of their sins and set back on a path of righteousness chartered solely by a singular old woman who lives alone with her beliefs and her secrets. Never a good start to your day but ALWAYS a good start to a horror story!  Source: Children of Sin (2022) - Official Trailer Jo-Ann Robinson shines as the pious headmistress, whose faith is so powerful, it causes her to run around terrorizing teens and waxing poetic in christo-crazed reveries! I’ve written in human form about how much I love Jo-Ann Robinson, and it’s fun to watch her take on a very different role from the one she tackled in When the Trash Man Knocks (2023). That’s it for now, greasy humans! Watch these movies, or they may watch YOU instead!
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Dispatches from The Wolf CaveWeek 1: It's a Wonderful Slice (2024), The White Bishop, Creepy Crawly (2022), Mary Had a Little Lamb (2023)I’m back! Sorry I was gone so long, but life doesn’t slow down for anyone. Especially not for me, who seems to be in very high demand these days from the waxing and waning of that gibbous thing in the sky. Connie, what’s a “gibbous”? Some kind of cheese? I knew that thing was made of cheese! Going back and forth between my wolf and human forms can be quite taxing. There’s the pulling and the itching and the stretching and, most disturbing of all, the popping! The Popping of The Teeth, as it's referred to in ancient werewolf lore: The teeth eject themselves and clatter to the floor, leaving my gums flapping in the wind wilder than gramma’s curtains in a windstorm. (Actually, I never knew my granny, which makes it easier to eat yours when she ventures into my woods, muahaha.) Make way for the canines, you sorry excuse for a tooth! I meant my real tooth, Connie; I’m not calling your grandmother a tooth. By the way, speaking of taxing: Did you know that were-beings are taxed at a higher rate than normal citizens, and SINGLE were-beings are taxed even higher? Make it make sense! Anywho, between brooding about the unfairness of life, attending to my cat dad duties, and dealing with a nasty bout of indigestion from a rotten possum, I’ve been slagging behind on my horror movie updates. Consider this the first dispatch from my Wolf Cave! A regular roundup of movies I’ve watched recently that, for some reason, I think you should watch, too. They run the spectrum of low-budget to big studio productions. They’re stories from every decade and every subgenre I can get my beady little eyes on. I’ll look at new directors and horror titans. And I will try to keep my Critters obsession from spilling over too much. It’s shorter this week because I talked so much, but I promise that next week will feature loads more movies. So, let's sink what teeth we have left into our first selections. And don't forget to floss afterwards, you sickos! IT'S A WONDERFUL SLICE (2024) |
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