Did you know that werewolves hibernate half of the year?
I always choose summertime because that’s when you humans are out and about in sticky, sweaty droves, so I’d rather skip all that if I may.
Instead, I hunker down with my cat, Connie, and binge watch horror movies for six months straight!
However, now that winter is upon us, I can finally emerge from my den. Wake up, and smell the . . .
. . . wait, what happened to my winter flowers?
Connie, you rat, what’d you do with my winter flowers?
Where are my snowdrops? My evergreen candytuft?
Well! Since apparently I don’t have any FLOWERS–*shoots an angry glance at Connie, who can’t be bothered in her fireside slumber*–I suppose I can take a nice long whiff of the fresh snow and celebrate my return to this blog by painting the town yellow! Or at least this spot over here by the tree.
Hibernation gave me the chance to catch up on some horror movies, and I thought I’d trot out the frosty forest tale Snow Blinded (2022) since it fits today’s theme of snow.
Buddies Shawn (Michael Masurkevitch) and Manny (Mandip Brar) visit the family cabin for a ski trip weekend together. They drink and smoke and reminisce about good times. Everything seems totally normal until you start paying attention to details.
Example: Shawn is always in his underwear. You say to yourself, why is this guy always in his undies? Seems very odd for winter in Canada! Don’t get me wrong–I am not above blasting some ABBA and running around the cave in my wolfie-whities belting “Dancing Queen” (re:Snow Blinded, a more appropriate tune might be “Dancing Peen”). But something isn’t right here!
A few hours into the skiing part of their trip, Manny suffers an unfortunate accident, requiring Shawn to be his caretaker as he attempts to find a way back to the cabin to call for help. But Shawn gets lost, and to make matters worse, he starts hallucinating.
At first, it’s a stranger in the woods, but the hallucinations start to become increasingly personal, violent, and directly drawn from Shawn’s past. He gets disoriented. Lost in the cold of the woods and his own hallucinations, he can’t distinguish past from present, reality from imagination. He’s snow-blinded. Plus, he’s seeing lava lamp eyeball snow owls.
Now, what Shawn does from this point on is going to remain a mystery unless you watch the movie! But take it from a wolf who knows: Time gets real shifty in the woods! Some days I wake up, stare at my four rock walls and wonder to myself, How long have I been here? Am I me? Is time really a construct or is it simply another wall I built for myself to avoid the horrors of my own past?
Did I remember to clean Connie’s litterbox?
Everyone knows good gore looks great against white snow, and Snow Blinded delivers lots of red to captivate your bloodlust. There’s strong performances by all the actors, who bring great depth to characters that seem like simple, unassuming folks at first (we are quickly and violently dispelled of that notion).
Particular props must be paid to Masurkevitch as Shawn, who spends a good chunk of the third act hanging brain and running around butt-naked in what I assume are freezing temperatures. At least I don a fig leaf before leaving the cave, sheesh!
This movie triggers my obsessive need to understand mysterious, occasionally uneasy details. Because they’re almost always obscuring the bigger, more terrifying picture! And in horror, that is the thing we crave the most. Snow Blinded gives it to you, but you’ll have to decide what it all means for yourself! I read somewhere that director Brian Lockyer hopes you’ll discover more keys to these mysteries upon repeated viewings. I recommend you take him up on that.
When things begin to snowball in Snow Blinded, it’s an intense ride to the end, and we’re left with some extremely memorable images, some of which are gross and funny, while others are so painful, they’d make Meat Loaf in Argento’s Pelts squirm.
And speaking of squirming, what in the worm is that smell? Can that be Connie’s litterbox, Little Miss My Shit Don’t Stink?
Connie, I mentioned Masters of Horror like I promised I would. Are you happy? She loves that episode where Jeffrey Combs’ cat drives him mad. Always has to remind me how she could drive me crazy if she truly wanted to.
Don't threaten me with a good time, Connie. I will not hesitate to go totally Shawn on you!
Hey Connie: If I give you some more nip, will you watch Snow Blinded with me again? I wanna see what you think. Because those owls are not what they seem.
Full-Moon Rating: 4/5 FULL MOONS
Directed by: Brian Lockyer
Written by: Brian Lockyer
Michael Masurkevitch as Shawn
Mandip Brar as Manny
John Settle as Shawn's father
Jack Leslie Hunter as Man in the Grey Hat
Shawna Button as Shawn's mother
Where can you watch? Rent or buy Snow Blinded here!