Dispatches from The Wolf CaveWeek 1: It's a Wonderful Slice (2024), The White Bishop, Creepy Crawly (2022), Mary Had a Little Lamb (2023)I’m back! Sorry I was gone so long, but life doesn’t slow down for anyone. Especially not for me, who seems to be in very high demand these days from the waxing and waning of that gibbous thing in the sky. Connie, what’s a “gibbous”? Some kind of cheese? I knew that thing was made of cheese! Going back and forth between my wolf and human forms can be quite taxing. There’s the pulling and the itching and the stretching and, most disturbing of all, the popping! The Popping of The Teeth, as it's referred to in ancient werewolf lore: The teeth eject themselves and clatter to the floor, leaving my gums flapping in the wind wilder than gramma’s curtains in a windstorm. (Actually, I never knew my granny, which makes it easier to eat yours when she ventures into my woods, muahaha.) Make way for the canines, you sorry excuse for a tooth! I meant my real tooth, Connie; I’m not calling your grandmother a tooth. By the way, speaking of taxing: Did you know that were-beings are taxed at a higher rate than normal citizens, and SINGLE were-beings are taxed even higher? Make it make sense! Anywho, between brooding about the unfairness of life, attending to my cat dad duties, and dealing with a nasty bout of indigestion from a rotten possum, I’ve been slagging behind on my horror movie updates. Consider this the first dispatch from my Wolf Cave! A regular roundup of movies I’ve watched recently that, for some reason, I think you should watch, too. They run the spectrum of low-budget to big studio productions. They’re stories from every decade and every subgenre I can get my beady little eyes on. I’ll look at new directors and horror titans. And I will try to keep my Critters obsession from spilling over too much. It’s shorter this week because I talked so much, but I promise that next week will feature loads more movies. So, let's sink what teeth we have left into our first selections. And don't forget to floss afterwards, you sickos! IT'S A WONDERFUL SLICE (2024) |
I admit I’m not Planet Earth’s foremost expert on wildlife. For one, I’m not David Attenborough, although if you give me enough whiskey, I’ll think my British accent is pretty good. For two, I don’t even live on that god-forsaken planet anymore! But I am a wolf, and I love horror movies, and as an aficionado of both distinctions, I feel qualified to belt from the high heavens, or in my case the deepest bowels of wolf-den hell: Please make a hippo horror movie! |
For an introverted wolf such as I, the whole concept of social media is terrifying. You want PEOPLE, of all people, watching your every move? There is a reason I built my own planet, wiped my own memory of its very location, constructed a vast, intricate cave system for my home, and let Connie manage all of my social media accounts: To keep people out. Simple as that!
Still, I find myself bothering with these horror movies all about the dumb decisions the humans seem dedicated to making even with their lives at stake. And now for the whole world to see on a public forum through something called “vlogging.”
Vlogging. How does one even PRONOUNCE that word? I snigger and pat myself on the back, where I discover a new ringworm patch.
Yes, I used to be human myself, and perhaps that part of me feels bad to watch them desperately seek validation from total strangers.
Ha! Fat chance.
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Maybe my cringe-video and horror film addiction boils down to the fact that, besides flesh and blood, I am sustained by sweet, sweet schadenfreude. What I’m saying is you don’t need violent bloodshed to drive home the point that social media sucks, but it definitely makes it more fun.
Which brings me to Sissy (2022).
The Pool (2018) features a blood-thirsty croc! But that's not the only danger . . .
So, the other day I was running around my cave, yelling and screaming at my cat, Ms. Congeniality, for once again coughing up a hairball right onto Ma’s old human-skin rug. Plop down in the center! That is the centerpiece of my living space, you ass! This rug has retained its shine over the years thanks to a thin laminate layer and despite probably hundreds of pounds of hairballs, spilt blood, and accidentally-dropped leftover entrails from dinner.
“It’s all I have left of Ma, you delinquent!”
I gathered the hairball, tossed it into the fireplace, felt a tickle at the back of my throat, and coughed up my own hairball in the exact same spot as that darn cat. Sorry, Ma.
Ms. Congeniality rolled her eyes.
It was around this time that I began reflecting on a movie I watched a few days ago—a movie that features one more useful animal than my own and one that is a bit more of a nuisance.
That movie is The Pool (2018).
So, the other day I was running around my cave, yelling and screaming at my cat, Ms. Congeniality, for once again coughing up a hairball right onto Ma’s old human-skin rug. Plop down in the center! That is the centerpiece of my living space, you ass! This rug has retained its shine over the years thanks to a thin laminate layer and despite probably hundreds of pounds of hairballs, spilt blood, and accidentally-dropped leftover entrails from dinner.
“It’s all I have left of Ma, you delinquent!”
I gathered the hairball, tossed it into the fireplace, felt a tickle at the back of my throat, and coughed up my own hairball in the exact same spot as that darn cat. Sorry, Ma.
Ms. Congeniality rolled her eyes.
It was around this time that I began reflecting on a movie I watched a few days ago—a movie that features one more useful animal than my own and one that is a bit more of a nuisance.
That movie is The Pool (2018).
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About The Bitter Wolf
Part-time wolf.
Part-time human.
Full-time horror lover!
I live in a cat with my cat, Connie.
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